Dear Blaine


Would you just calm the hell down? Seriously. I am not kidding.

You play your spells on your turn, and then when you pass the turn to me you begin your incessant neurotic tics. Machine gun heal tapping/leg bouncing, that damn slide shuffle flicking of the cards in your hand…I really am a patient guy, but dude – come on!

And why the hell do you have to talk so damn loud?! I am sitting about 36 inches across the table from you, not 36 feet. If you stopped shuffling your hand, maybe it would get quiet enough at our table for you to talk at a normal volume.

I am fully aware that many things in the “pop nerd culture” that Magic exists draw upon a similar audience. Many are middle class white males. Some are more familiar with their own insecurities than they are with asking someone out on a date. Many are pasty white with unstable acne and a patchwork of hair growth on their chin resembling a strip-forested region of Brazil. A ton of players are simply over-freaking-weight. Admittedly, as nerds we fall hard to typical stereotypes. It is what it is.

But you who, when you meet the stranger you are paired up with in the next round, launch into “So, I think I’ll ‘take you out’ on the 6th turn. That’s been my average today.” How much of an over-competitive dingleberry do you truly need to be today? You meet a stranger and start the conversation off with trash talking?

And stop saying “I do three points to your face.” Say it again and I will schlooooong-slap you in yours.

Its like your mom didn’t raise you right.

Also like she didn’t raise you to bathe. How about washing your hair sometimes? You look like you combed your hair with a porkchop. Does your mom even wash your clothes – why are you in a white pair of shorts with obvious French fry grease-hand-wiping stains on the thighs? Oh, wait…that’s the same “mom” who dropped you off this morning, went and got another carton of Pall Malls, and told you to microwave some chicken nuggets for dinner tonight. After you bum a ride home. Cause “Momma needs to rest”.

Look, Magic’s a game. We are wasting our time and money playing this game. It’s not all that important, so why not spend your Saturday afternoon doing something – anything — else. At home. And not sitting next to me during draft smelling like a duck’s vaganus.

And your podcasts – bro! I don’t know why I keep playing MTG “podcast roulette” and try another new MTG podcast thinking there will be some intelligent or even funny conversation for my drive home. It’s the painful side effect of an independent and free society in which we have to endure the truth that any idiot with an iPhone can now host a podcast. I would vote for any presidential candidate who suggested implementing “cast-control” to help shield society from the lack of technical audio mixing training causing me to turn the volume up when one guy is speaking, but immediately down when the other guy is speaking, because no one knows how to mix audio!

See, this crap is why I can’t stand current Standard, Modern, and most Legacy events. Cause you and your hyper competitive, socially failed crew are all over it.

Love in Christ,


One thought on “Dear Blaine

  1. It’s like you’re supposed to be the nice guy who is a victim of these assholes, but also you are being very petty and insulting them? Is this a plea for respect or a tirade? Your alluded-to politics make you also seem like a giant asshole. It’s like I totally agree with half of what you’re saying, what you are calling out as problematic behavior, and the other half is fully indulging in that same problematic behavior. “duck’s vaganus” does not strengthen any point you are making, and is simply emotional venting. Being understood must come from a place of understanding. If you don’t like the people you are playing with, why don’t YOU stop? If you seek to improve the community, you know better ways. If this was just a vent, then we understand why no one else has commented.


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